Pride Pals Initiative
How-to Feature
A Journey of Understanding.
How should parents respond to
a child coming out?
By: Denise Koh Jean Yi and Josie Lim
Parents comforting their children
(Photo by: American Psychological Association)
The act of coming out to parents is a significant concern for LGBTQ+ individuals, who fear rejection or non-acceptance from their family members, especially in the context of Malaysia. Parental reactions strongly impact emotional well-being. Therefore, parents play an essential role in creating a supportive environment for their children. This article delves into this critical question, exploring how parents can effectively respond to their children disclosing their LGBTQ+ identity.
Discover, learn and grow through self-education
According to Vannesa Ashley Kwek Ik May, a trainee counsellor, it is common for parents to feel shocked and surprised when their kid comes out to them while also being hard for them to accept it at the moment. Besides, parents might also be fearful because of societal judgement, discrimination or the potential challenges that the child might face due to their identity, especially in the context of Malaysia.
"What the parents can do is to educate themselves about the specific sexual orientation or the gender identity that the child has shared with the parents," suggested Vanessa. It is hard for parents to accept their child as an LGBTQ+ member. It cannot be changed overnight, which requires a process. Vanessa said it is essential for parents to understand it first. "Parents can search the Internet or ask for experts, for example, go for counselling sessions and get some opinions from a professional point of view,” Vanessa added.
Lim Shock Eng, 56, a housekeeper who initially could not accept her son's coming out to her, said, "I did not understand why my son wanted to do this 'abnormal' thing at first, but since I am the only one who cannot accept it in my family, I was forced to accept this." Shock Eng took half a year to accept it; during this half-year, she kept researching the Internet. "After researching during that half year, I was educated that this is not a finding and it is just a normal situation. I realised that if I react badly, I might lose my son," said Shock Eng. She agreed that understanding is the most important thing on this issue as she only changed her attitude after she understood about gay relationships through her research.
Family portrait of Lim Shock Eng
(Photo by: Lim Shock Eng)
Mishalan Thamil Selvan, 20, a bisexual college graduate who successfully came out to his parents, described the reactions of his parents. He felt thankful as they did well as parents. "Although they could not accept it then, they gave instant silence. They were trying to react in a way that could not hurt me. They made it a point to say that me being bisexual is my thing, but accepting me is their thing," said Mishalan.
Create a supportive environment through open communication
Parents could have open and honest communication or conversations with their kids to allow them to express their feelings, experiences, and concerns. "So the parents can understand their kids' thoughts, and the most important thing is to validate the child's feelings," Vanessa said. It is essential to let the child know that their parents support and accept them or at least let the kids know there will not be any family crisis. This could also prevent the kids from feeling they did something wrong with their identity. "They can explore and embrace their identity without feeling ashamed or misunderstood," Vanessa added.
Shock Eng said, "Always remember, no matter how angry you are or how unacceptable you are, do not say any heavy words to your child. Never push your child away with your heavy words." However, she thinks giving a cold shoulder after the child comes out is also not wise. "This is what I regret a lot. I did not give him any responses after I accepted him as gay, and this caused him not to dare to mention his boyfriend at home for 10 years," said Shock Eng. The situation had only gotten moderate during her son's treatment for cancer.
Angelina Choo Zhuyi, 19, a Bachelor In Digital Media and Communications student, failed to come out to her mother. Initially, she expected her mom to accept her being herself with the identity of being bisexual. However, things came out differently. "She did not want to believe that I was bisexual or that I like girls," said Angelina. Her mother always ignores the fact that she is bisexual while they have conversations about a love relationship. "I just feel uncomfortable with the fact that she cannot accept I am bisexual, and it made me distance myself from my mum and also made me stop sharing with her about my feelings and daily life," said Angelina.
Angelina Choo Zhuyi expressing her thoughts
(Photo by: Zoe Natasha Kam)
Seeking guidance and support from organisations when needed
Shamayil Mohammed Rafeeque, a trainee counsellor said, "The SEED Foundation Malaysia plays a crucial role by providing support groups and counselling sessions. These resources are specifically designed to assist parents in gaining a better understanding of LGBTQ+ individuals.'' In addition, Pink Triangle also contributes to fostering understanding and acceptance through counselling and workshops. Moreover, they provide extensive online support for families of lesbians and gays.
LGBTQ+ organisations are crucial for parents as they offer a supportive and understanding community. These organisations assist parents by providing information and counselling, helping them better understand and accept their children. Parents can seek LGBTQ+ parent communities to communicate openly, share experiences, and gain support. This connection aids in alleviating potential confusion and anxiety for parents, fostering healthy family relationships.
Conclusion
Many LGBTQ+ people feel afraid and stressed to face their families' rejection, judgement and ignorance. Family members of the LGBTQ+ community may feel confused and uncertain about how to react and respond appropriately to their child coming out. Many parents have not experienced these situations before, so it is normal for them to be unsure how to react. They trust you enough to share this part of themselves with you. Therefore, we must acknowledge that this process takes time to understand. Love, support, understanding and acceptance are the most crucial elements throughout this journey.